Friday, June 4, 2010

Trying to find Myself

I constantly am struggling with exactly who I am. It seems one day, I am the happy go-lucky girl who doesn't have a care in the world, and the next day I am the the girl who can cry at the drop of a hat, the girl who feels like life is a struggle, and everything that could go wrong has. I am amazed at some people's confidence, some people just truly know who they are, and where they belong. Myself, I see more as a drifter. I am a malleable being, someone who is easily molded to fit the situation. This is good for somethings, but most of the time, I go with the flow, rather than remaining true to who I am. Why? Because I am still searching for just WHO I AM. I think that life is all about experiences molding who we are, who we will become. I have had many life experiences, and therefore sit wondering why I have not been shaped into the being that I will become. Life is unpredictable, and sometimes I find that if you are too set in your ways, dealing with the unexpected will ruin you. To me, being able to adapt to the situation is a coping mechanism. Nothing will seem too big if you are flexible. The world may be falling apart, your life could be coming to an end, but since you do not know where your place is, you just go.

I think the world is a hectic, crazy place and sometimes you need to stand to your ground. With this statement, I am back to square one- what exactly is my ground. There are so many issues that I am so passionate about, and ready to fight for what I believe, but when it comes to myself, fighting for myself, I am left lifeless. I think a lack of self confidence may cause me to just always say Yes to everything. The word no does not suit me. It is something that I need to learn. I need to take things as they come, be ready to do what I want. I am so involved in what people think, what people expect, what people want from me, I put my wants, my needs aside. I am always intrigued by the people who life their life with this "screw all" attitude. The people who just do what they want, when they want, interest me. I envy them to a certain extent.

As I sit here, I know a few things about who I am. I am funny, a hopeless romantic, a dancer, a friend, a loving person. But those do not define me. They are labels. It is so generic to say, I am a friend. Everyone is a friend to someone. Anyone can be a hopeless romantic, a dancer.. what makes me stand out. This is what I am trying to find . A reason to be different, a reason to be confident, to not be so easily influenced. Life is full of surprises. Each and every day we have is a gift. A gift to have a different experience, to learn a different lesson. We may not realize it, but we would not be put in certain situations if we were not strong enough to make it thru them. I am still making it thru situations from my past that each and every day make me stronger, make me think twice about just how wonderful life is. I think I am going in the right path on the quest to find out who I am and where I belong, I just wish I was there. But that is where the all infamous saying, "Rome wasn't built in a day" comes into play. All good things take time, and I think in some time, I will be shaped into that person who I am meant to become. I will be able to stand up and say, yes I know who I am and where I belong...but for now, that is just a dream!

No comments: